A Perfect Sonnet

My first day of work today was alright. im working at a small gym. its nice i guess.
haha



vday is tomorrow.

all couples should die. the end.

<3

I have 2 job interviews today!
WooHoooooooo


Update to come kiddos!
Im gonna make some dollars!

I have been officially moved in at my parents house in Wilmington for about 3-4 days. It sucks already. Im being told that if I dont find a job in a week I have to work at Food Lion. Eff that shit. So I am going out today and Im going to apply at all the gyms in town and see if there are any BS jobs hiring where I can sit on my ass and do nothing. HEY... that sounds awesome.

So many of you are telling me to move on and let go of what Joel and I have/had. I waited till Sunday to really go home and he stayed w me the night before. We didnt argue and our goodbye was long and sad. I understand things will never be like they used to... but that doesnt mean things cant get better eventually and turn into something new. My hopes arent up but I want to salvage at least a friendship from him because he means so much to me for me to just let go.

We havent argued at all since Saturday... its been nice to just talk on the phone about things and not yell and scream. He is actually calling me instead of me calling him. I dont know if its because he cares and wants to talk or he is worried what I am out doing. Im just happy to hear from him even if its once a day. Or every other day. I want to be a part of his life and hear if he is doing ok and how his school is going.

He is my best friend. We had an unhealthy relationship. We are trying to have a healthy friendship before anything... if anything is to follow that. I love him. He loves me. So... another chapter is being written through my move and my new journey into the working/school life. I left my social life in Greenville.

I will however be in Greenville this weekend to see my friends and hit up that Anti-Vday party. Im pretty excited. And Ill be up the following weekend I believe to see Joel play in Winston I think it is... and then og to the RollerDerby meeting. hells yeah!

 

If you want to hang out just IM me. Comment. Call or Txt me. I hope to see as many of you as I can.

Hope you all have a nice and wonderful day. <3

 

-Meagan

I close to giving up on any hope of being with Joel. I try so hard to make him happy... but I fail.

He thinks I am meant to be w one of my friends. I feel as though I am meant to be with Joel... no one else. I know he loves me and he cares but I cant take all these fights. All these negative emotions. What happened to the days where we would laugh the day away and then sleep beside eachother hand in hand? Shit...

I dont know what to do anymore. I guess I should just stop worry about it and if we are meant to be then he will come around and decide he wants to be back with me. He knows how I feel. I would do anything for him and he says he needs his space. So me moving to Wilmington will give him that space.... 100 miles of it. Dont get me wrong... I am not moving because of him. I am moving for SCHOOL. He thinks me leaving will either MAKE or BREAK us. He is right. I dont want to move. But I know it is the right thing to do. If he went to school in Wilmington too that would be awesome. He talks about how he doesnt have that many friends out side of his town and band. He says I mean the most to him...

If I mean so much to him and I am moving... wouldnt you think he would try to make as much time for me as possible?
I could be moving in 2 weeks or 5 months.
I got an email today from some guy interested in taking over my lease. I sent him the information he needed. I kinda wanted to say no to him because I want to stay but I know if he is willing to take my lease, I should hand it over.

UGH. So many emotions. Sadness. Maddness. Happiness. Joy. Anger. Confusion. Stumped. I just dont know what I should do. I wish I knew. Life is so unpredictable and you dont know anything for cetain EXCEPT how you feel inside.

I feel like I am doing the right thing for my future but I dont think I am doing the right thing for Joel and I. I know we dont date... but we are together in a sense because we both care and love eachother with all our hearts. If only he would show it at times. The last thing sweet he had done for me was LAST AUGUST on my Birthday. And the last thing sweet I had done for him was the other day when I filled his car w/ red white and pink balloons and under the balloon were a video game he wanted, heart cookies, and a coheed sticker. On the outside of his car I taped hearts all over. Yeah... heh. It was cute.

We shall see what happens with us. "Dont waste your life on that boy"... and im not. But he is a big part of my life. Ive told him everything. Opened up to him. Gave him my heart. Invested almost a year into him. Its hard to let go. I dont want to because I still have the hopes of us getting back together. I just dont know how he feels completely. He isnt good with telling me how he feels unless he is upset or we get into a big fight.

OH BOY... Life... Its Crazy.

 

THE LIGHTER DAYS:

Yeah.
I think that I am going to be moving back home to Wilmington to finish up school. I am not happy here in Greenville and my grades are suffering. I believe I would be a lot more focused if I left. I will not forget the friends I have made and the love I have found. I will continue to vist often! And I will see Joel as much as I can.... if he is willing to see me.

I shall update more later. I am in a sad mood right now. Goodnight.

Joel and I have decided to work on our difference to make our relationship work... though we are not quite back together... yet. <3


Im happy.

LIke Britney Spears once said *though i dont like her* :


I AM STRONGER THAN YESTERDAY!




yep. thats all.
I am thankful for all my friends. And their support

So.. I dont know if Joel and I are really over. We fought and cried and laughed for hours. We love eachother so much and that why I dont understand a break up. I know I invested too much of myself into him and not enough into other things that should be important as well such as school and friends and lesiure things. Im changing that after this semester is at a close. I will be getting a job. Take keyboard lessons or learn on my own, maybe join a softball team somewhere... I dont know. I may get suspended from school but if I dont, I will devote myself to my school work. I love Joel. I want to make him happy and I want to give he whatever he needs. I have been listening to our song all  last night while he was here and it seems like it fits right now in our life and I just dont know what to do.

"All We Ever Needed" -The Early November

Tonight is a story of love
Two broken hearts set by one
All he wants is a sign
Of how she's making her mind
All we ever wanted was

[Chorus:]
Love and love and happy afternoons
Watching TV from your room
While you're laying in my arms
And I know it's not fair to me
To see this love walk right by me
Every day, will we ever meet the right way

Again, again

Tonight I will sit next to you
To see if you act like we're through
To make you laugh is all I want
I'll hold you while tears fill our eyes

Again. Again.

I asked him for a kiss. It was hard to ask him but I spilled my heart and my love for him into that kiss. I can ever recall feeling to emotionally overwhelmed from a kiss. He said he poured his heart into that kiss as well... I cant explain what it felt like. It was far more meaningful than our first kiss and our kiss after our first I Love You. It was perfect even though the situation wasnt. I care about him and I dont want to lose him for good. He doesnt want to give up on me but he feels as though the time isnt right. If it wasnt RIGHT then why does it hurt us BOTH. If it hurts... it cant be right. We are happy together... not apart.

I love him. He loves me. So dont you think we should stay together? I do.

I have also been listening to another song and it kinda shows how I feel about him and how much he means to me:

"Boats and Birds" -Gregory and the Hawk

if you'll be my star, i'll be your sky
you can hide underneath me and come out at night
when i turn jet black and you show off your light
i live to let you shine

but you can skyrocket away from me
and never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here, with more room to fly
just leave me your stardust to remember you by

if you'll be my boat
i'll be your sea
a depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity
ebbing and flowing and pushed by a breeze
i live to make you free

but you can set sail to the west if you want to
and past the horizon til i can't even see you
far from here, where the beaches are wide
just leave me your wake to remember you by

I dont know what else to say. He is going to call me today and possibly have me come to his house to watch a movie. He also said that if that falls through, then he wants to hang out tomm and maybe go to his band practice and hang out. I dont know anymore. I dont know anything... I know I want to be with him and I love him and he loves me... we are perfect... we make sense. We go through our rough times... but we are faithful to eachother... we just bicker and we are stressed w school and such. A breakup shouldnt be the plan of action... its hurting us both. He is my best friend... My first true love... he is my everything. I pray things will work out soon. I dont want to be sad anymore.

My dad sent me this in an email that he found:  

 As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that
   wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.
   You will have your heart broken probably more than
   once and it's harder every time.
   You'll break hearts too, so remember how it
   felt when yours was broken.
   You'll fight with your best friend.
   You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
   You'll cry because time is passing too fast,
   and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
   So take too many pictures, laugh too much,
   and love like you've never been hurt
   because every sixty seconds you spend upset
   is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

I just want to be happy again. I want people to do nice things for me because I always do nice things for others. Not many people return the favor and it hurts inside at times. Even more so when its someone very close to you.  Today I will find out if I will entually have to move home after the summer or if I can continue to live in Greenville.

And this may help or hurt Joel and I's relationship. If he loves me he will stay with me even if I have to leave. I was going to continue to love him and date him if he went on that tour that would have lasted a yr. I would wait for him. I feel as though God wants me with him. Sometimes I wonder why becaus of all the fights we have been through but he wants us all to experience Love. And I am experiencing a True Love with Joel. I can only wish he is experiencing the same thing. Guys dont tell how they feel often and I wish they would. It would make things so much easier and more clear.

 I love that boy. I do. If I am to be suspended from school... I would work full time to stay here with my friends and to be with him. He was fired from his job over the summer because of me and I recently found this out. Made me feel like shit... big time

But if I cant find a full time job or a cheaper place to live eventually I willllll have to move back to Hampstead/Wilmington. But I would try to be in Greenville/Washington every weekend or alternate weekends so maybe Joel would take the time to come see me like he used to.

It worked before... it  can work again. You always find a way if Love is involved... real love. I think I am going to find a softball league somewhere and join or start taking piano/keyboard lessons. I need something to take my mind off of school and JOel. I do. I think about EVERYTHING too much and I dont get out and enjoy things. I want to enjoy my time with Joel everytime Im with him but sometimes it is hard when he has his mind on everything BUT me.

He is an amazing individual... he has a gift. He has a voice the world is meant to hear... I like to tell him that because I honestly believe it to be true. He has a true heart... and he isnt selfish. He is clueless and such at times... but no one is perfect.

Do I think he is perfect for me? Yes. I do.
Why? Its hard to explain.
-He makes my heart go crazy EVERY single time Im with him (in a good way).
-Ive yet to get tired of being around him
-He ties my shoes for me
-He makes me want to be a better person as a whole
-He listens to me and helps me through my problems
-He hold me when I am hurting inside and out
-He used to sacrifice things for me and do things for me
-He used to travel to see me.
-He sees something in me that Ive yet to find out from him
-He makes me smile so much
-He cares about me
-He used to say he loves me but he doesnt as much anymore... but he says it once in a while..... *sigh*
-He dances with me
-He fills that part of me that was missing
-I feel a connection with him that I have never felt before
-He is goofy and I love that
-He is sometimes serious and sometimes shows his emotion
-He used to write me sweet things... at least I have a memory of them now.

 

I sometimes wonder if I am right for him. He hasnt really said. Id like to know. Id like to know if 'the juice is worth the squeeze'
Id like to know if I left... would he miss me and stay with me.
Id like to know why he loves me.
Id like to know a lot of things....
I suppose only time will tell. You cant force someone to open up to u... it just has to happen

But I love that boy so much. I am IN LOVE with him. And that is something I will carry with me forever. My first TRUE love. Thats something that lasts and is never forgotten. I thank God for him in my life. I only hope he thanks God I am in his.

-Pray for me I can stay in Greenville and Pray that I have to will to want to stay in Greenville. If I lose him... I may be gone. If I lose at school... I may be gone. If I lose at friendships... I may be gone.

I dont want to leave. I want Joel. I want School. I want Friends.
I WANT TO BE HAPPY AND FREE.
And I need Joel to be with me and catch me when I fall.

Would You Catch Me? Because I dont know who would.

This makes me think of my dream last night. I was forced to have to jump into this water. Mark and some other people had already jumped. Mark told me not to jump close to these pipes to my right or they may explode. He told me to jump toward him and the others and he would catch me. I asked where Joel was... and they pointed off to another direction and I couldnt see him. I needed him. I jumped and landed in water by Mark and the others... but something grabbed me and flung me back into the air.... my body was falling toward the pipes and i saw joel... just watching... while the others swam to help me. I missed the pipes and I went under water and I saw everyone floating above me... I was falling/sinking. I tried my harded to swim to the surface. Underwater I saw these beautiful creatures... and it seemed so peaceful. My breath was shortening... And I wanted to stay down there for somereason... but I looked up and I saw Joel. I couldnt stay down underwater. I swam with all my might and reached surface. I was pulled out of the water onto this cement stage of some sort. It wasnt Joel that pulled me out though. I was balled up in a blanket crying. I looked around and I saw Joel.... he was talking with his friends as I was being taken care of by the others that were in the water... Joel comes over and asks if Im ok. I ask why he didnt try to help me... and all he said was 'i dont know... i was too busy. im sorry'

I woke up and it was 5 am... I txt messaged Joel about my Nightmare. I woke up in a sweat. Ive never been so scared from a dream. Joel doesnt know about the dream yet. Im sure he will though.

I have a lot to reflect on. What does this dream mean. I dont know. I just dont.

I Love Joel Smith.
He makes my heart flutter


YAY.


He is in a new band called THE AVENGER... I was at their practice yesterday and they sound AMAZING. You should check them out after the beginning of next yr... they will hopefully have some shows lined up!


<3

Joel and I have been dating for 5 months as of Yesterday.

I couldnt be happier. He has made me a stronger person inside and makes me feel so beautiful.

We didnt get to spend much time w/ eachother for our anniv because he had to go to =band practice= in Raleigh. I was a lil upset.... mainly only because he may be gone for a year come Jan.

But I understood and dealt with it.

I have been a lil upset when it comes to me thinking about him leaving me... well I get really upset to be honest. I have never invested so much of myself into a guy before as much as I invest myself into him.

I want to make ever second count with him if he does infact leave. I love him with all of my heart and I know he loves me... and that is such a wonderful thing to know.

---Yesterday was X-Fest.... And YourNameInVain was playing. Hmm.... I am one of their merch girls... and I was a lil upset to find out that they failed to let me know when the show was... when I was to be there... and all that shit.

I was a lil hurt. I was a lil mad. Instead... they informed Leah of all this.... not me. I wake up that morning and notice Leah is gone. Her and Jason's away message said they were at Xfest.
?!?!?!?!? I was so confused. I really didnt know what to think. I was w. Joel... so he made me feel better about the situation. Joel left for Raleigh at like 3 so I was stuck w/ out anything to do or anyone to be with. I wasnt about to drive to Kinston for Xfest w/ how much gas is... I remembered that Jeffrey invited me to the HeIsLegend show and he said I had a ride w/ them
I later find out from him that the car is full... Im screwed again.

-----I talk to Joel on the phone. Im upset. Hes Gone. Im not at Xfest selling shit. I cant go to the show. My day has gone to hell. Joel felt bad he had to leave me on our 5 month... so he wasnt happy either. Later that afternoon Jeffrey had the idea we take my car... more room and we can fit more people in there. And I would get some gas money out of it. So I said ok.

-----We went to the Crabtree mall before the show. We had these 2 guys we didnt like following us to the show and we were trying to lose them in traffic... we couldnt. So we  parked the car and ran into the mall... i saw this fur coat and i slipped it on while it was still on the hanger... not 5 seconds later a lady comes up and asks if i want to try it on. I was like.... no.... i like how it feels... even though i already had it on... i was like how much is it? The lady was like "$15,000"..... holy FUCK....i got out of that jacket and we left. It was made out of BobCat.... made me really sad.
We all bought head-sweat-bands to wear to the show. YaY. We leave and the weird guys are following us. the road splits to go to the outer beltline and to the innerbeltline. At the last second I pull a James Bond and swirved into the lane we were suppose to exit leaving the guys to go the other way!!! YAY! Awesome. We were in line for the show... LONG ASS LINE... and they show up. FUCK. Oh Well. This lady comes up to us and was like... what would you do for us if we got you all in... so we danced. I dunno... it made her laugh... she comes back to us 10 min later and we huddle up and we follow her into the back door to cut everyone in line. I SWEAR it was the head-sweat-bands that gave us luck.

-----The show was alright. The drive there was better. I slept in my car for the He Is Legend performance... the first band made me so tired... they sucked.

 

I miss Joel. He comes back sometime today. I LOVE HIM!! No Other Guy... JUST HIM. ALWAYS AND FOREVER

LOVE

I Am In Love With Joel Smith.

 

The END.

This shall be my last entry for my livejournal for a while. I dont know how else to put it except that Im tired of it all. I think I am going to start my own personal journal.... for myself. But this is my last entry.

Im sorry dad for being nothing what you dreamt of me being. I guess being a cop would never make you love me as much as I wanted you too. I just want you to be proud of me..... and you will never be that..... and for that Im sorry. Im sorry you thought you could actually be proud of me like you said yourself...... sorry Im not like Jason or Sean..... maybe mom having a girl was the wrong choice.

I feel so rejected right now. It hurts so bad. I try to laugh it off to make myself feel better.... but I can only watch my eyes puff from tears.

 

I messaged my boyfriend after my dad and I had a fight... though he wasnt at his computer I could only see myself venting to him at the moment. Thank you Joel for being amazing to me..... even if I dont deserve it.

THE MESSAGE:

HURLEYchic5788: joel... i dont want to be home. my dad is making me feel like shit... that i am a failure to him.... that i dont do anything right. I dont want to be here anymore. he says i only think about myself and that im selfish and spoiled. He knows me being spoiled is his fault and he said he will blame himself for that until he dies. He said that his relationship w me is going down hill. I told him that it would be him that allows that because i never saw it going downhill. He then started yelling at me and told me ot never talk to him again. That he doesnt want to hear my voice.

I dont know what to do. I tried to laugh it off going upstairs but once I closed my door the tears started to drip off my cheeks. I used to never allow him to hurt me w/ words.... but today it hurt so bad. I feel as if im not good for anything if I cant even make my dad proud of me.
HURLEYchic5788: I wanted to be a cop not only to help people but to follow in my dad's footsteps... so he can be PROUD of me and not look down on me like he does now.

Auto response from shabootiekid: chillin after what seems of the longest craziest sleep deprived weekened....still plan on it again this weekend but a little less balls breaking or knees busted.....:-D

HURLEYchic5788: I dont want him to hate me.
I want my dad to brag about me
Be proud of me and my achievements
I want him to see what I do for others
I want him to know how much I do care about him
I dont know what to do. I Love my dad so much....
Hes been there for me whenever I needed him. I remember riding in his patrol car. Him playing catch w. me. Riding rollercoasters w. him. Winning softball games w him. Practicing my driving w. him before i got my permit. Him helping me move into my dorm. DAMNIT.... I dont know what I did to be such a dissapointment to him....

I feel that if my own dad cant love me... who can? I just want to dissapear right now. I have no where to go....

im confused about a lot of things lately

i found out some stuff last night that got my mind in an uproar.
it was good news... yet its like you find out at the wrong time

if i knew this information maybe 2 months ago or so... maybe things would be fucking awesome and grand... then again maybe they wouldnt. but its funny how timing works. a lot of information isnt found out when you want it... its either too soon or too late.

maybe things can still happen and unfold....
maybe they wont,
time will tell

time.... what a crazy thing.

SCREW IT

So yeah.... drama again
[+]haha[+]
Never Ends....

Its strange how you try to talk things out and compromise and the other person gets Blah and Angry then just ignores the problem.

*sigh*
Whatever

Soon This Shit Will End....

People Will Mind Others....

Other Will Mind Me....

I dont trust anyone hardly anymore----
Then again.... when did I really trust anyone to start?

[+]Talking behind backs [+] ==Guilty on both sides
[+]In Others Business [+] ==Guilty on both sides

-----Will they (we) both agree to cool it -----
We shall see.... We shall see....

Dont you HATE HATE HATE the game Telephone...?
One person says something to another who says it to another and its all messed up and 'twisted'?
Yeah.... that game
When it is not a game... and actually a reality... it sucks

Almost ended me and Joels relationship a while back.
I was kissed on the cheek by a friend
Someone saw it... the told someone
That someone told joel... but apparently it was changed to:
[+] I cheated on him [+]
[+] I made out w. the guy [+]
----hmmm----

THAT WAS QUICKLY straightened out. Joel trusts me. He knows where my heart is...

----ALSO... Apparently I have been told that I am not happy to be in a relationship----
[+] FALSE [+]

I am very happy with Joel. I happily claim him as mine and I am happy to be his.
Yes... I am adjusting to the 'taken' life... and i dont like that word. I admit. But Im not saying I dont like being in a relationship. I do 100%....

So for all the statements and stories floating in the air lemme clear it up!
I am not cheating and never have cheated on my boyfriend Joel
I am happily in a relationship
No regrets

This Stops Now.
I wont say a word. If Words are not said in return,
No More Telephone.... 'friends in thier friends relationships can screw things up'
Said by a wise girl (shannon).... cant agree more.

Im in a bitchy mood.... have been all day. Sorry. Well... Im not sorry... Its just how I am at the moment.
So Deal.

GOOD NEWs--
Joel is coming to visit me tomorrow
He is staying with me for the weekend
We are going to have a romantic/date nightout. (i hope)
We will exchange gifts.
Take pictures.... if I can find my camera.

SO FAR this week I met these awesome twins... JUSTIN and Jesse. I met them at a show this past weekend. They rock steady. They are in a band called The Farewell Plan.... check them out of you are ever in the Wilmington area when they are performing.
I go to see old friend from HS and from around the area. YaY
LEAH and I are going to go ART shopping for our house sometime soon. Im excited! YaY

---I miss Jeffrey---
===I miss ALEX===
---I miss Leah and Lindsay---

I Miss My Joel
I hate being home.
Im so alone.
I cant sleep at night either.
Im tired. No energy. Blah.
This sucks.

UGH! Why cant Friday come now?

So... Joel and I have decided to write eachother a long letter telling about anything we want... good or bad... or whatever. And on Friday we will swap letters and read them. My plan is to make my soooo long that he will have to not finish it and read it later. haha. I dont know exactly all I will write but right now I am at 2 pages front and back.... Working on page 3 now.

The Notebook is such a sad movie.... wow. Thats all I have to say about that.

I miss my friends from ECU that went home. *sigh*

Tomorrow Leah and I are going to look for Posters and Pictures for our house to decorate the walls!!! Im excited. Bout time I got out of the house!

Sleep Time.... or try to at least.

Its wednesday....

I want friday to come.... I miss My JOEL
I MISS MY SHANNON
I MISS MY LIDSAY AND LEAH
I MISS JEFFREY
I MISS ALEX AND JASON AND SHANE
I MISS MARK AND BEN AND RICHARD
I get to finally hang out w. Liz on Saturday and meet Brooke

Im lonely here. Joel and Shannon are my loves.
*sigh*
HAHA i wonder what kind of havoc Jeffrey and I can cause this weekend if I get to see him. How many more lusty pictures can we take. HAHA JK

I have had some 'emo' thoughts going through my head lately... some that have plauged my mind for a lil while
But I have had so many HAPPY thoughts:
Joel makes me smile. Laugh. Feel all giddy. Makes me feel beautiful. Compliments me. Has deep comversations with me. Holds me. We talk about Life. Its great. Hes great. My heart is smiling more.

 Thats my baby
 At the pool at 3 am! haha
 The Loves In MY life. JOEL AND SHANNON
 Me and My JEFFREY!!! hehehehe
 Jeffrey apt is so much fun when you are hyper!
 My friend Matthew made this for me. Made me smile when I was feeling down. THANKS
 I miss my Joel.

HAHA Jeffrey has a nickname for us... makes me laugh : The Barkers. <3

I sometimes wonder how Lauren is doing.... *sigh*

The End

I <3 Joel
He came to visit me yesterday! *sigh*
We Hugged. We Held Hands. We Splashed in Rain Puddles
Went to the Mall. HE BURPED so loud it echoed!
I Bought glasses and a poster
He rented a movie. It sucked. haha
My found out how crazy my family is.
ESP my Grandma! haha
We had LOTS of fun just laying around in my room watching movies and online truth or dare wow.
He still owes me a DARE. haha.

He left me today. I was sad. I am going to miss him. Wait I already do. I will see him Friday though. YaY
SHANNON IS HERE TODAY/TONIGHT!!!!
YaY... my favorites are here! Leah and Lindsay are in Wilmington too! THE FAB 4 are going to terrorize the city of Wilmington, NC. haha
I will take LOTS of pix.... or try to. haha.
Shannon and I have cut off all the drama involving my ::former:: best friend Lauren who has CUT ME OFF. heh. I dont know any other way to put it. *sigh* It was a sad moment...  but life goes on I suppose.

PLAN B regarding the house is.... Leah is the replacement.
Shannon gets downstairs. I master bedroom. Leah gets upstairs. YaY. IN ALMOST 2 MONTH exactly (AUG 5) We will all be in our new HOME.... YAY

Im so stoked.
My friends complete me. I know who they really are BECAUSE they dont let petty fights get in the way of the friendship as a whole. Alex and Shannon and Joel have shown me this. My Backbone... my life support. My other friends are my limbs.... with out them I cant perform dailt tasks like BREATHING....
I LOVE YOU all.!!!
 what is she looking at? hehe. In La-La land thinking about richard prolly. hehe

 The one and the only <3 (may 22... mmm hmm)

SHOW on Friday in Raleigh!
SHOW Saturday in KINSTON

Kellie is Grad on THURSAY
SHANNON is GRAD Saturday!
JOEL is GRAD Tuesday!

My Loves are all grow-ed up! tee hee
Joel's Bday is next Sunday.... I know what im getting him. It something unique... haha when do I ever buy normal gifts?!?! hahaha
----turket baster----cat tail----painting i made----??? ????
Har Har Har

Off to the Shower to wash my sex hair.... but no sex. :-p
 No More Black Hair. YaY

In Boston.
Wedding Tomorrow.
Not Mine.... haha

Hanging out w. my cousin tomorrow morning before the wedding! YAY
I love my Nicole.
Staying the night w. Nicole tomorrow.
Im DD... Go Figure

Leaving Sunday... Be back home Monday!
Joel TUESDAY!
Shannon coming to visit me sometime?

*sigh* lauren is still mad at me...
i dont know why
i miss her
a lot
bunches
mucho
LOTS
....

Ill update later....

I know its real. Wes is gone. He is not coming back.
The sadness and pain is finally sinking in.
I cant help but cry everytime I pass his road to get to mine.

My eyes are so open right now. All I want to do is be with my friends and tell them how much they mean to me and how much I love them. I dont know what I would do or be with out them. The seriously are my life support.

If Something happened to me tonight... would you or they be at my hospital bedside... or my funeral?

If I was feeling like killing myself... would you answer my phone call?
Would you listen to me and not want to just talk about yourself?
Would you try to help me find help?
Would you let me know you cared?

Suicide is such a crazy way to end a life. I know what pain feels like... sometimes so overwhelming and you want a quick way to end all the pain. But pain is a feeling... and relief is a feeling. If you kill yourself you are not relieving yourself... because you cant feel it.

I wish Wes could have seen this. He was 19 yrs old SO MUCH to live for. Smart, attractive, funny, an all-around beautiful person to be around. I wish I was better friends with him. I would have told him he meant the world to me.
I tell my friends they are beautiful to me and that I love them. Sometimes just hearing those little compliments and kind words can really boost someone when they are so much in pain.
Im so sad he is gone, but I have learned from his death to hold your friends as close to you as you can. To let them know how much they mean to you. You never know, for whatever reason, they may be gone.

If you are feeling suicidal or wanting to harm yourself please... PLEASE take 5 minutes to read this

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

It may help, it may not. If you have a friend that is thinking of hurting themself... help them, get them help. No one should ever end their own life. So many peoples hearts are hurting. Now he knows how many people love him.
I love you Wes. I wish I could have been more to you buddy. You will forever be in my heart and mind. Rest In Peace. I hope you are in a better place where you are always smiling.

http://www.afsp.org/survivor/home.htm