A Perfect Sonnet

My first day of work today was alright. im working at a small gym. its nice i guess.
haha



vday is tomorrow.

all couples should die. the end.

<3

I have 2 job interviews today!
WooHoooooooo


Update to come kiddos!
Im gonna make some dollars!

I have been officially moved in at my parents house in Wilmington for about 3-4 days. It sucks already. Im being told that if I dont find a job in a week I have to work at Food Lion. Eff that shit. So I am going out today and Im going to apply at all the gyms in town and see if there are any BS jobs hiring where I can sit on my ass and do nothing. HEY... that sounds awesome.

So many of you are telling me to move on and let go of what Joel and I have/had. I waited till Sunday to really go home and he stayed w me the night before. We didnt argue and our goodbye was long and sad. I understand things will never be like they used to... but that doesnt mean things cant get better eventually and turn into something new. My hopes arent up but I want to salvage at least a friendship from him because he means so much to me for me to just let go.

We havent argued at all since Saturday... its been nice to just talk on the phone about things and not yell and scream. He is actually calling me instead of me calling him. I dont know if its because he cares and wants to talk or he is worried what I am out doing. Im just happy to hear from him even if its once a day. Or every other day. I want to be a part of his life and hear if he is doing ok and how his school is going.

He is my best friend. We had an unhealthy relationship. We are trying to have a healthy friendship before anything... if anything is to follow that. I love him. He loves me. So... another chapter is being written through my move and my new journey into the working/school life. I left my social life in Greenville.

I will however be in Greenville this weekend to see my friends and hit up that Anti-Vday party. Im pretty excited. And Ill be up the following weekend I believe to see Joel play in Winston I think it is... and then og to the RollerDerby meeting. hells yeah!

 

If you want to hang out just IM me. Comment. Call or Txt me. I hope to see as many of you as I can.

Hope you all have a nice and wonderful day. <3

 

-Meagan

I close to giving up on any hope of being with Joel. I try so hard to make him happy... but I fail.

He thinks I am meant to be w one of my friends. I feel as though I am meant to be with Joel... no one else. I know he loves me and he cares but I cant take all these fights. All these negative emotions. What happened to the days where we would laugh the day away and then sleep beside eachother hand in hand? Shit...

I dont know what to do anymore. I guess I should just stop worry about it and if we are meant to be then he will come around and decide he wants to be back with me. He knows how I feel. I would do anything for him and he says he needs his space. So me moving to Wilmington will give him that space.... 100 miles of it. Dont get me wrong... I am not moving because of him. I am moving for SCHOOL. He thinks me leaving will either MAKE or BREAK us. He is right. I dont want to move. But I know it is the right thing to do. If he went to school in Wilmington too that would be awesome. He talks about how he doesnt have that many friends out side of his town and band. He says I mean the most to him...

If I mean so much to him and I am moving... wouldnt you think he would try to make as much time for me as possible?
I could be moving in 2 weeks or 5 months.
I got an email today from some guy interested in taking over my lease. I sent him the information he needed. I kinda wanted to say no to him because I want to stay but I know if he is willing to take my lease, I should hand it over.

UGH. So many emotions. Sadness. Maddness. Happiness. Joy. Anger. Confusion. Stumped. I just dont know what I should do. I wish I knew. Life is so unpredictable and you dont know anything for cetain EXCEPT how you feel inside.

I feel like I am doing the right thing for my future but I dont think I am doing the right thing for Joel and I. I know we dont date... but we are together in a sense because we both care and love eachother with all our hearts. If only he would show it at times. The last thing sweet he had done for me was LAST AUGUST on my Birthday. And the last thing sweet I had done for him was the other day when I filled his car w/ red white and pink balloons and under the balloon were a video game he wanted, heart cookies, and a coheed sticker. On the outside of his car I taped hearts all over. Yeah... heh. It was cute.

We shall see what happens with us. "Dont waste your life on that boy"... and im not. But he is a big part of my life. Ive told him everything. Opened up to him. Gave him my heart. Invested almost a year into him. Its hard to let go. I dont want to because I still have the hopes of us getting back together. I just dont know how he feels completely. He isnt good with telling me how he feels unless he is upset or we get into a big fight.

OH BOY... Life... Its Crazy.

 

THE LIGHTER DAYS:

Yeah.
I think that I am going to be moving back home to Wilmington to finish up school. I am not happy here in Greenville and my grades are suffering. I believe I would be a lot more focused if I left. I will not forget the friends I have made and the love I have found. I will continue to vist often! And I will see Joel as much as I can.... if he is willing to see me.

I shall update more later. I am in a sad mood right now. Goodnight.

Joel and I have decided to work on our difference to make our relationship work... though we are not quite back together... yet. <3


Im happy.

LIke Britney Spears once said *though i dont like her* :


I AM STRONGER THAN YESTERDAY!




yep. thats all.
I am thankful for all my friends. And their support

So.. I dont know if Joel and I are really over. We fought and cried and laughed for hours. We love eachother so much and that why I dont understand a break up. I know I invested too much of myself into him and not enough into other things that should be important as well such as school and friends and lesiure things. Im changing that after this semester is at a close. I will be getting a job. Take keyboard lessons or learn on my own, maybe join a softball team somewhere... I dont know. I may get suspended from school but if I dont, I will devote myself to my school work. I love Joel. I want to make him happy and I want to give he whatever he needs. I have been listening to our song all  last night while he was here and it seems like it fits right now in our life and I just dont know what to do.

"All We Ever Needed" -The Early November

Tonight is a story of love
Two broken hearts set by one
All he wants is a sign
Of how she's making her mind
All we ever wanted was

[Chorus:]
Love and love and happy afternoons
Watching TV from your room
While you're laying in my arms
And I know it's not fair to me
To see this love walk right by me
Every day, will we ever meet the right way

Again, again

Tonight I will sit next to you
To see if you act like we're through
To make you laugh is all I want
I'll hold you while tears fill our eyes

Again. Again.

I asked him for a kiss. It was hard to ask him but I spilled my heart and my love for him into that kiss. I can ever recall feeling to emotionally overwhelmed from a kiss. He said he poured his heart into that kiss as well... I cant explain what it felt like. It was far more meaningful than our first kiss and our kiss after our first I Love You. It was perfect even though the situation wasnt. I care about him and I dont want to lose him for good. He doesnt want to give up on me but he feels as though the time isnt right. If it wasnt RIGHT then why does it hurt us BOTH. If it hurts... it cant be right. We are happy together... not apart.

I love him. He loves me. So dont you think we should stay together? I do.

I have also been listening to another song and it kinda shows how I feel about him and how much he means to me:

"Boats and Birds" -Gregory and the Hawk

if you'll be my star, i'll be your sky
you can hide underneath me and come out at night
when i turn jet black and you show off your light
i live to let you shine

but you can skyrocket away from me
and never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here, with more room to fly
just leave me your stardust to remember you by

if you'll be my boat
i'll be your sea
a depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity
ebbing and flowing and pushed by a breeze
i live to make you free

but you can set sail to the west if you want to
and past the horizon til i can't even see you
far from here, where the beaches are wide
just leave me your wake to remember you by

I dont know what else to say. He is going to call me today and possibly have me come to his house to watch a movie. He also said that if that falls through, then he wants to hang out tomm and maybe go to his band practice and hang out. I dont know anymore. I dont know anything... I know I want to be with him and I love him and he loves me... we are perfect... we make sense. We go through our rough times... but we are faithful to eachother... we just bicker and we are stressed w school and such. A breakup shouldnt be the plan of action... its hurting us both. He is my best friend... My first true love... he is my everything. I pray things will work out soon. I dont want to be sad anymore.

My dad sent me this in an email that he found:  

 As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that
   wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.
   You will have your heart broken probably more than
   once and it's harder every time.
   You'll break hearts too, so remember how it
   felt when yours was broken.
   You'll fight with your best friend.
   You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
   You'll cry because time is passing too fast,
   and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
   So take too many pictures, laugh too much,
   and love like you've never been hurt
   because every sixty seconds you spend upset
   is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

I just want to be happy again. I want people to do nice things for me because I always do nice things for others. Not many people return the favor and it hurts inside at times. Even more so when its someone very close to you.  Today I will find out if I will entually have to move home after the summer or if I can continue to live in Greenville.

And this may help or hurt Joel and I's relationship. If he loves me he will stay with me even if I have to leave. I was going to continue to love him and date him if he went on that tour that would have lasted a yr. I would wait for him. I feel as though God wants me with him. Sometimes I wonder why becaus of all the fights we have been through but he wants us all to experience Love. And I am experiencing a True Love with Joel. I can only wish he is experiencing the same thing. Guys dont tell how they feel often and I wish they would. It would make things so much easier and more clear.

 I love that boy. I do. If I am to be suspended from school... I would work full time to stay here with my friends and to be with him. He was fired from his job over the summer because of me and I recently found this out. Made me feel like shit... big time

But if I cant find a full time job or a cheaper place to live eventually I willllll have to move back to Hampstead/Wilmington. But I would try to be in Greenville/Washington every weekend or alternate weekends so maybe Joel would take the time to come see me like he used to.

It worked before... it  can work again. You always find a way if Love is involved... real love. I think I am going to find a softball league somewhere and join or start taking piano/keyboard lessons. I need something to take my mind off of school and JOel. I do. I think about EVERYTHING too much and I dont get out and enjoy things. I want to enjoy my time with Joel everytime Im with him but sometimes it is hard when he has his mind on everything BUT me.

He is an amazing individual... he has a gift. He has a voice the world is meant to hear... I like to tell him that because I honestly believe it to be true. He has a true heart... and he isnt selfish. He is clueless and such at times... but no one is perfect.

Do I think he is perfect for me? Yes. I do.
Why? Its hard to explain.
-He makes my heart go crazy EVERY single time Im with him (in a good way).
-Ive yet to get tired of being around him
-He ties my shoes for me
-He makes me want to be a better person as a whole
-He listens to me and helps me through my problems
-He hold me when I am hurting inside and out
-He used to sacrifice things for me and do things for me
-He used to travel to see me.
-He sees something in me that Ive yet to find out from him
-He makes me smile so much
-He cares about me
-He used to say he loves me but he doesnt as much anymore... but he says it once in a while..... *sigh*
-He dances with me
-He fills that part of me that was missing
-I feel a connection with him that I have never felt before
-He is goofy and I love that
-He is sometimes serious and sometimes shows his emotion
-He used to write me sweet things... at least I have a memory of them now.

 

I sometimes wonder if I am right for him. He hasnt really said. Id like to know. Id like to know if 'the juice is worth the squeeze'
Id like to know if I left... would he miss me and stay with me.
Id like to know why he loves me.
Id like to know a lot of things....
I suppose only time will tell. You cant force someone to open up to u... it just has to happen

But I love that boy so much. I am IN LOVE with him. And that is something I will carry with me forever. My first TRUE love. Thats something that lasts and is never forgotten. I thank God for him in my life. I only hope he thanks God I am in his.

-Pray for me I can stay in Greenville and Pray that I have to will to want to stay in Greenville. If I lose him... I may be gone. If I lose at school... I may be gone. If I lose at friendships... I may be gone.

I dont want to leave. I want Joel. I want School. I want Friends.
I WANT TO BE HAPPY AND FREE.
And I need Joel to be with me and catch me when I fall.

Would You Catch Me? Because I dont know who would.

This makes me think of my dream last night. I was forced to have to jump into this water. Mark and some other people had already jumped. Mark told me not to jump close to these pipes to my right or they may explode. He told me to jump toward him and the others and he would catch me. I asked where Joel was... and they pointed off to another direction and I couldnt see him. I needed him. I jumped and landed in water by Mark and the others... but something grabbed me and flung me back into the air.... my body was falling toward the pipes and i saw joel... just watching... while the others swam to help me. I missed the pipes and I went under water and I saw everyone floating above me... I was falling/sinking. I tried my harded to swim to the surface. Underwater I saw these beautiful creatures... and it seemed so peaceful. My breath was shortening... And I wanted to stay down there for somereason... but I looked up and I saw Joel. I couldnt stay down underwater. I swam with all my might and reached surface. I was pulled out of the water onto this cement stage of some sort. It wasnt Joel that pulled me out though. I was balled up in a blanket crying. I looked around and I saw Joel.... he was talking with his friends as I was being taken care of by the others that were in the water... Joel comes over and asks if Im ok. I ask why he didnt try to help me... and all he said was 'i dont know... i was too busy. im sorry'

I woke up and it was 5 am... I txt messaged Joel about my Nightmare. I woke up in a sweat. Ive never been so scared from a dream. Joel doesnt know about the dream yet. Im sure he will though.

I have a lot to reflect on. What does this dream mean. I dont know. I just dont.

I Love Joel Smith.
He makes my heart flutter


YAY.


He is in a new band called THE AVENGER... I was at their practice yesterday and they sound AMAZING. You should check them out after the beginning of next yr... they will hopefully have some shows lined up!


<3